Writings

Becoming

If I could sum up this decade in a word or two, I’d call it “too much”. Could also be synonymous to abundant, overwhelming, vastness, excessive. Whatever floats your boat. But this decade really is too much and in so many ways. 

For as long as I can remember, I was just a kid at the start of this decade. All of my becoming happened in this timeline. There were so many milestones. The past five years is my most favourite. My curiosity grew. Giving me fuel to do so much more. I’ve opened up myself to so many things.

I embarked 2019 with an intention to see more, explore more, do more. Suddenly, I have so much time on my hands because I stepped back from using Social Media. And who knew staying away from it is going to be a crucial part of who I will become this year just as we were about to end the decade and start a new one? Everything feels like overwhelming so I stepped back. It felt right. It felt good. I wasn’t just sitting at home on the couch scrolling on my phone mindlessly. Like a robot. It was numbing. I’m glad to sort out a thing or two in my routine that is unhealthy for me. 

With that time on my hands, I’ve also found myself having more time for reflection. I may have spiraled down the rabbit hole of numbness. Thought I wouldn’t pull through. Said to myself that “maybe this is going to be my life now. Mediocre. Nothing extraordinary to see here.” But I never stopped praying. It was the only thing that I’m sure of. Ceaselessly. That’s what keeps me at peace and calm.

But thanks to the people who came in and out of my life. The hurt they’ve left me with was eye-opening. Left me with so much interesting lessons. Maybe I’m too much but I’ve learned over time someone will match my crazy and will stay. If it means to be a better version of myself, I’d rather be too much. If, for one moment or another, you’ve popped in and out of my life, thank you whether you’ve caused me pain or not.

Truth is that I am not for everyone and everyone is not for me. It’s so difficult to find a true and meaningful connection nowadays. But by being selective and knowing people who cannot give me the same effort I’ve constantly given, I learned what genuine friendship and relationship really means.

If I burned old bridges, I’ve also forged new ones. Laughed too many times. I’ve cut out many people in my life perfectly disguised as “rain check on that date?” because I’m too stubborn to admit they’re not gonna do me any good. Scared that I might offend them so I just leave them better than I found them. To those friends who left? They were never really friends.

If I’ve let opportunities slipped away because I wasn’t ready, I’ve also had things on my plate that I thought I would never get a chance to do and I did all of it. Ringing true that for every setback, there really is a comeback. Safe to say that I have my fair share of good and not-so-nice moments. Let this be my closure as I close this decade with a grateful heart.

We’ve all been here. You and I. And each time we get wounded, rejected, hit rock bottom, forced to step out of our comfort zone, we still stand up. We fight. We show up.

If the last few quarter of this decade have taught me anything it’s that change is the only thing you can truly expect. You are constantly evolving. Becoming. Everything is just temporary. Some moments are fleeting. Some are not. Some faces are worth remembering. Some are not. This decade has been quite an abundant journey. Strange and beautiful. Well, what journey isn’t? It’s the process that makes the journey worthwhile.

Let me end this essay with a set of photos of my most favorite moment of the day— a sunset. One that is not afraid to show off, to be too much, to be just be. Look how beautiful its colors and edges are, how rich and full it is. It’s just being itself. 

Over the years, I became heartless but there was this guy who once told me “baka naman dapat buksan mo na ‘yang puso mo” which led me to discover my vulnerability. And I did opened my heart. To so many things.

In summary, I fell in love one too many times. People who are not ready to do the same for me, places I keep coming back to but I think what I fell in love most with is my life in this timeline. 

I just know that there is so much more ahead of us. 

Happy New Year!

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Writings

DECLUTTER

“The mountain is calling and I must go.”

I was having second thoughts that Friday night. It was this unclear mind that brought me to the summit of Mt. Daraitan. My mind is always wondering, always wandering. Unsettling. Till someone asked me to come and climb. I thought, “why not?”- that could be good call to ease me up.

I cannot make sense the first few days of 2018. It’s as if my compass is malfunctioning. I have no idea as to why but all I know is I need to get away– as far away as possible. Around this time last year, I remember telling myself that maybe hiking is not for me. Guess what, silly me gave up and tried it again this year.

January, it was told that the icebergs are thawing and melting these days in the North Pole that’s why it’s chilly at night. This is when the winds decide to go this direction. Like winter is here. I was half-asleep during the ride to Rizal with my earphones on till I was woken up by the rough road ride uphill and downhill, which we all have to endure to get at the foot of the mountain. Signaling we are almost there.

I was not really feeling it when I got out of the van. It was chilly and eerily dark yet the sky is glowing. I can see the stars which is not an ordinary sight when you live near the city. Little stars are twinkling. Summit of the mountain range is very visible. Like a shadow show. I began to feel at ease. We crossed the river through the hanging bridge to get to the other side. Not sure if I was sleepwalking.

We started the trek uphill. It was a solid warm up. No muddy slopes yet but I’m pretty sure I’m going to regret this. I’ve slipped and fell many times. Determined. I stood up many times. I remember the tour guide saying “focus on your own pace” and so I did take my time.

I guess I can say now that hiking every first month of a new year will definitely do some good for me. To be out in a huge space, walking around the wild de-clutters my being. 2017 did kind of drained me.

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Writings

Yesteryear

“Some days are falling in love with people, some days for cities and some for your time in solitude.”– Akif Kichloo

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What last year taught me was how important rest, recovery and reflection is. Solitude became a priority for me as we live in this age where everything is fast-paced. Always on the go. Solace is no longer a chore but a thing for me, a thing that I look forward to do at the end of the day. I guess my biggest takeaway from 2017 is putting myself first. So I’m not gonna hold back.

Self-love is still a thing for me this year.  Hope it is for you too.

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